UNDEFINED

Wednesday, September 6,2023,  4: 28 PM

I do not go defining my behaviour into categories now. I am simply living the life now. I was tempted to define my living as a frugal laziness for the apparent lack in purpose and strife.  But what would you define a dried leaf that seemingly floats, carried by the wind wherever it takes? Surely it cannot be called a lazy leaf without purpose. It is living in the moment when time is immaterial, of no consequence. What the leaf witnesses is the constant passing of the day into night, and of the night into day. It does not judge itself, it does not carry regrets because, in the scheme of destiny, it recognises that it is only a leaf and nothing more than that. 

I may go to the yard today with my bow. I should not expect anything but to just pull the string and let loose the arrows on the target. I am not competing when I used to compete against myself, against my own expectations. I am my own worse enemy, with such cruel remarks for the mistakes that I had made. And it had not been limited to archery but everything else. I will just play like a child with his toy. I simply have to let go because I should be my own best friend and companion.

DX or FX?

Kudos to http://www.scantips.com/lights/cropfactor.html for explaining that there are exactly no loss of megapixels between a DX and a FX format lens given that the image in FX is resized to the same size as that of a DX. What it really means to me is that I do not have to retire my DX lens but instead capitalise on the 1.5 crop factor in the DX telephoto lens and get more closer to the subject. All this while I have mistakenly assumed that a DX lens gives less megapixels. 

It has been some time. That is about waiting for the catalyst to activate my writing. After the second book, "Karma's Servants", the mind has gone empty, like an empty room without windows and furniture. From where I stand, I cannot see anything, because there is no window to look out of. And it's been four months. Karma's Servants was seeded from Bali. Perhaps, I will need to travel again. Kyrgyzstan maybe? I can hear its distant call. Walking along its train tracks near Issykul would probably provide that seed. I need the seed, to plant in the ground. I really don't know what will come next. Maybe I don't really care. 

Overloaded and not liking it a bit

Religion overload! My Facebook is being cramped with self-appointed religious scholars preaching of Hell and Heaven through second-hand postings. On the pretext of sharing, these people trust banners of pain and misery into my face, seemingly feeling that they are doing a good thing. Well, it doesn't mean one single thing or a reward from high heaven. Sharing postings doesn't buy these people a ticket to heaven. Putting across the idea that is God is as judgmental as them doesn't create a thing to me. Because, God is never that judgmental in accordance to human perception. It's His discretion to put who in hell or who in heaven. He is full of love and compassion and mercy but yet, through only a miniscule portion of their selective education, these people paint nothing else but woe and misery to who they think are sinners. They stand up, bend down and prostrate but yet, lack the capabilities of an inwardly practicing respect for people who are more inwardly religious. They think they already have tickets, stamped with the approval of the most high, to enter heaven. What? By just posting second hand banners? Posting speeches of narrow-minded gurus? Please. Get a life, people. You will never know what comes the next day. You can actually be on the verge of death and one single thought at that moment of departure can decide your place. It is not about heaven and hell you should be concerned most about. That is the domain of the One and Only. It should be about living, respecting others, practicing social love with one and another, caring for one another and not stealing, gossiping, defaming and using one another for pleasure and self-profit. Thank you.

Hmmm...

It has been almost two weeks into the Ramadan. Ramadan used to be magical to me, a spiritual experience but now, I do not feel it much. Perhaps, I have rusted or perhaps, I have gotten old and matured and have lost the innocence to feel spirituality. Or perhaps, I have changed quite a lot these past few years, leaden with anxiety, depression, anger, hatred and contempt. Perhaps, the heart has built too many walls with which to shield itself from the outside world that it has grown sceptical of the world. Perhaps. There are too many perhaps. Perhaps and maybes. Those are the only two major words I use in my mind nowadays. 

Life is a lot like jumping off an aircraft without a parachute. The moment one steps off the door, the only way to go is down. The eventuality is a certainty. But what gives the illusion of float is only temporary. Some people step off and never got quite used to falling off, so that they fall ungracefully, screaming even, turning round and round. Some fall in grace, seemingly to fly like a bird, winds on their faces, smiles all round. I would like to be like them, but as it is, I am struggling to keep afloat with some control. The ground is there, down there for sure and every second and minute count, to make this temporary fall, a good one. Because it is the only one. There is no returning to the aircraft. I like this flow of thought though. Everyone falls, everyone dies.  

The E-mail

The e-mail is so much a part of getting things done now, so much so, it is the necessary gatekeeper for information to be requested and information to be provided. Nowadays, it is not sufficient to just meet with the specific person who holds the information. Information can only be provided when an e-mail is forwarded, signifying a formal request even though the person is sitting next to me. I must be from the old school where words will just suffice to instigate an informative response. I feel like a corporate hillbilly now. Times have changed. I wonder where I can find another company which does not need the e-mail correspondence. The e-mail is an added bureaucracy. FOS at most times.

It rains outside. A second time, this week in Kuala Lumpur. The rain will help to reduce the prevalent dustiness in the air. It does not matter that much to me. I go in and out of air-conditined spaces. The only negative thing is its effect on vehicular traffic movement. KL roads are like clogged intestines during and after a downpour. I cannot really tell where the rectum is actually. I have always avoided peak traffic hour but yesterday, I had accidentally dropped my keys at the PJ Secret Recipe. Silently brooding, my wife (on her birthday) had to drive me to PJ through the thick traffic and back again to Bangsar through the thick traffic. It was no fun for me either when Secret Recipe still registers a telephone nuber which is no longer valid. It was no fun to walk from the office to Bukit Pantai, amidst the dirt and dust and the uncomfortable heat. It was the repercussion from a shallow pocket and a low sofa chair. I had mulled over how not to lose the keys. Hang around neck, insert in hankerchief, hang on chain to trousers and even hang on those places that only see little of the day. What to do. Life is like that. Sometimes we lose things and we get them back and sometimes we don't. I don't mind losing the bad ones, though.

On birthdays and the parting of ways

Today is my wife's birthday and  I was the fiftieth person (so she said) to have wished her a happy birthday. I was not late on the day but rather on the hour. As for myself, I frown on my own birthday. If immortality is what I seek, then I would not care much about the birthdays. However, as it is, we are all mortals and so, the birthday is like the milestone on the perilious journey towards the end. I wonder if everyone else in the world look forward to retirement and old age. Some of course, did not make it and falter along the way, either from cancer, accidents, murder, war or famine. Whatever it is, a birthday is a rejoice of one's entry into the world. I don't remember if I had smiled on coming out from my mother. But my parents insisted that as a baby I was quiet and brooding and minded my own business. I am still like that, more or less. Hmmm..

Speaking of retirement, this year marks the twentieth year of my career in this company. It has been that long. But today,  I will commence to initiate my exit. That will be the milestone of event that I have been waiting for, for the past one year. The bird has to go free, the horse brought out to pasture. Of course, there can be many words to describe it. I am elated. I see the open door, and outside it, the expansive plain with some hills over yonder, with birds flying against the blue sky. I see nothing else.